Feelings,

I asked myself, are you worth fighting for ?
So many things happened. So much sorrowness. You didn't mend it back but took me for granted. All this while, you did not put in your full effort to try. At least i tried, real bad. Sometimes some things couldn't be forgotten by just one apology. We'll always remain like this. And i can say that i'm tired already. Really. Why did i ignore you ? After i finally get to talk to you by calling your friend's phone when you were at your camp because you didn't text me when it's getting so late already, missing for 6 hours. No calls or messages, not a word from you. Yes, i'm worried. Glad that i'm still worried about you. I ignored, because i felt that what's the use for replying. What's the use for arguing again, and again. Or say it's okay my dear. I argued, one comment from you. I ignored, another comment from you. You'd think i'm weird, attitude. You apologised and i'm still angry. Whatever i do, you'd have negative thoughts about me. I'm just feeling sad. So sad. The thought of me putting my best effort to do a birthday card and a cake for you makes me cry. Because what i get is this. I always fail in doing art and craft thing and i'm so happy to have complete a nice and satisfying birthday card after hours. So excited to hand it to you and see your expression when you receive it. Always wanting to make breakfast for you every weekends. Bought a mug for you while i don't have much allowance left. Am i really doing the right thing, i asked myself. After what happened on 29th April. Sweet talks, where is it ? I just want to ask you a very simple question. Ask yourself do you love me. Do you want to stay in this relationship. A person like you who doesn't try till the very end don't suit to be in a relationship. This is what i can tell you. That some day before 29th, i wanted a break up. You stood by and ask me to stay. I walked away, you didn't chase after me. And it's me, who texted you first. Not you. I don't know if you're too muddle-head or what. You said you don't know what to do. Still, you didn't ask where am i. I've to hint you for that. Won't you have the idea to chase after me ? I'd have really said break up and the end. 29th, we both are at fault. You couldn't take it anymore, you walked away. From the start, i didn't chase after you. I regret not doing that. Next, you sent me a message and wants a break up. I panicked and want to see you very badly. I begged you to stay. I tried really, really hard. After so long of crying, you finally said you'd stay. Finally. Is it really that hard to decide whether to stay with me ? Am i really that bad ? Am i really such a horrible girlfriend ? And on the spot, after we had patched, you expected me to not mention this next time. You expected me to not mention what happened. Do you think this is possible ? Same old words. If i didn't do that on 29th, i guess we're friends now. How many times had i begged you. And 29th was really begging real bad. I'm drifting from you. I don't know who are you anymore. From the day when you gave me those attitude after i bought a mug for you, you'd changed. I remembered Jacquelyn wouldn't do such things to his ex. Randomly buying stuff for boyfriend, making breakfast, do birthday card, begging. For you, i had changed. I just wish that you won't neglect me anymore. Give me a little of your time, treat me better. I know you. Little things and you'd give up. Like now, i'm ignoring your calls and messages. And you felt tired searching for me and coaxing me. So you gave up after 9 messages and 6 calls and went to sleep. Look. To me, it's so few. I can't be with a person who doesn't try. You always say you're tired. Things repeat and you'd give up. Now i'm telling you, i am giving up. I'm tired too. Switch position and think. I can't say i had done a lot. But what had i done ? Begging. I'm a girl, i couldn''t believe i did that. After all this, what had you done then ? Neglect me, wanting to give up always. My friend told me, it's not worth. I won't be the one who's begging the next time. Perharps it's you, or maybe not. And i won't even give chance. There's several times when i said i think i've lost feelings for you after 29th. You said, don't give up. Jonathan, how can i not give up now ? Just look what have you done to let me stay with you. Nothing. I confess i lost feelings, one time. You ask me don't. Second time, you ask me don't. Third time, you did the same thing, ask me don't. But really, i had enough. Nothing from you, how can i stay. I can't be in a relationship when i'm the only one trying and you're not. You should know clearly that i only want you and not others. I'd rather envy others when they can get whatever they want from their boyfriend and i can't. Those doesn't matter anymore. I just want you to treat me better, with something after my heart had been tore into pieces. How can it works if you don't mend it back ?

There's no such thing as forever.
Jonathan, give me up if you couldn't take it anymore. Consider now. Don't worry, i won't ever beg you.